I'm sure a lot of people have stories about the "one that got away..." I often thought as a young adult that there were 2 or 3 that got away. But, now that I've been with my husband for the last 20 years, and with the wisdom of age, I can see that all those other experiences led to my being with the man I was meant to be with...
Still, sometimes you wonder... what if...? I wonder if they think of me ever...? and, again, what if...?
I sometimes think about those things when I hear this song... and a part of me would like to meet some of those 2 or 3 people if only to realize that maybe I found the right one after all...
Enjoy this live version of this song... I like that he mentions those that have gone before us... yeah...
Right now you are at the end-all, be-all time of your life. The world is your oyster, and you feel as if there isn't anything you can't do and you're going to conquer the world. Self-doubt has no place in your life. You're on Honor Society. You're a "sosh" and involved in multiple school activities. You have a boyfriend who loves you and a great circle of friends. You've lived by your strict Hispanic Catholic parents' rules without question, but things are changing. There was no question you were going to college. The expectations have been there since you were in 6th grade. Have to have the good grades to get into the private all-girls' school; no hanging around boys during those formative years. Have to have the right volunteer and social activities to get into a good college. Of course, there's no problem with grades because everything from phone privileges to going to school dances depends on those grades. That 1st quarter C+ meant no allowance nor going to movies with friends or out at all that 2nd quarter; we learned our lesson then... And, that boyfriend which technically you're not supposed to have because you're not allowed to date until you're 16... maybe you should have been patient. Right now you think that Mom has no clue about men. She divorced when you were just a baby. She probably only had sex twice, right? She doesn't know about the passion and excitement that First Love can bring. She obviously never experienced that need to be with someone else who gives you an emotional connection which she never did. That need to be held and touched and just feel "loved." Something else you never got from her. If you had only waited 4 more months... things might not have gotten hurried and rushed and maybe even closer to disaster. That explosive argument with your Mom will happen because of that. But, you broke up with him because you're a good girl and you do what your Mom tells you, even though you'll end up hating her for the next 2 years until you finally escape and go away to college and start to make your own decisions. You and your First Love try again for a short time during those first years away from home, but it's not the same because it's long distance and college has it's own new experiences... meanwhile you got to date that football player, had your first "older man" crush, dated the "not good enough for my daughter" musician, and started on your journey to being a full on "hag." Although, to be honest, you didn't even know what that meant until years later... he was just the sweet and sensitive, good looking best guy friend you'd ever had... super great except he didn't want to kiss you which was ok because you had other guys who did, but why didn't he..? Well, you're going to learn all about that lifestyle in ways you never imagined... But, back to your 15 year old self... the next 2 years are going to be super hard. Life will still be good. Grades, good. Friends, good. Hate your Mom, check. You'll think about driving yourself off that cliff on the way home multiple times. You'll think about cutting all the way through your wrists, but then you'll imagine the blood and the mess... and, it's the mess that gets you, because no matter how easy the decision is for you, there will be those left behind that will have to clean up that mess. And despite your anger and frustration at the world for not being rich enough, pretty enough, anything superficial enough, and despite the fact you hate your Mom, you just can't do that to her... not the killing... the mess. So you won't, it's another thing you'll get through, and it's a good thing you do because 15 years later after adventures across the country, through Europe where you declare independence, living in Mexico City, doing things that would amaze most people, you take a leap of faith and your Mother's faith in you and you get to go to medical school. Mom is now your ally in the struggles. She's your strongest support during a time when things really feel hopeless. After living away from home for college and then that year in Mexico City, she's suddenly more like a real mom; someone you can talk to, someone who understands the struggle of being a single woman working her way through the world. Suddenly she's relatable. You'll meet the real Love of Your Life in medical school, and he will be a grounding force that keeps you moving ahead. You'll travel around the country and have the most exciting adventures. You'll move to a beautiful house and make it a home. You'll have beautiful dogs and cats and chickens and goats and sheep. No children because the example your Mom set scares you from ever having children because you don't want to be like her. So be patient. That breakup means you won't be a pregnant teen because you're so desperate for love and affection. And you probably would have ended up breaking up with him eventually, because we learn later on that we're bored easily with most men. It's the challenging ones that really fulfill us, and we've only met one so far that keeps us challenged. You don't find that at 15... or 16... or 17... I know you won't commit suicide because you're a person of faith, and you respect your family despite your anger and frustration. So keep enjoying the heck out of life because it will only get better, and college is only 3 years away... Carpe Diem, baby, Your 15x3+___ self...
This was life in the 80's. Tracey Ullman had her own show. She sang. Videos were made and featured on MTV. Yeah...
This song was first released in 1983. I was in high school and falling in love for the first time. I wasn't supposed to date until I was 16 and being in love when you just turned 15 was hard. A WHOLE YEAR until I could go out!!?! So this song perfectly fit the situation because, of course, I was going to see my love every chance I could even if we weren't supposed to be "officially dating."
This song still brings back memories of that innocent time and first love that turned somewhat complicated as the years went by... maybe I should have learned to have a little patience, but then my life would have been so different... or maybe not... if you've ever watched "Peggy Sue Got Married" from 1986, you understand that she had the opportunity to change her destiny, and she still ended up in the same place. What's your thought on destiny...?
Back on the 4th of the month, I posted about the song "Head Over Heels" by the Go-Go's. Today the other song "Head Over Heels" by Tears for Fears came up on the shuffle.
Released 10 June 1985
This song was to become the mantra of the summer as I transitioned from high school to college. My First Love (FL) and I were in this weird "kinda friends, kinda wanna be something more" stage, while I dated someone else who had been a sort-of rebound because my senior high UL (unrequited love) had broken my heart. Then I started college and met the guy who would become my first college UL over the next 3 years while the Rebound started dating my best friend from high school when I moved away to college.
In amoungst the journals I posted about a couple of days ago, I found a number of letters. One of which was by the Rebound "letting me down easy" because he was afraid "I'd gotten too attached" to him. Don't remember if I snickered then, but I snickered reading it again because at that point I had already started dating someone else off/on. College UL wouldn't play a major role in my life until later that semester and at the start of the next one.
Regardless, this song reminds me of that time in my life when I still felt passionately about FL, but not so much that other "distractions" couldn't occupy my time. That first year of college... what a crazy time of learning and changing... none of which had anything to do with academics...!
I have spent the better part of the evening reading through these... My diaries. The Hello Kitty one I started on my birthday 7/12/1980. It chronicled the pre-teen drama that surrounds that time when you're transitioning from dependent 8th grader to less dependent high schooler. It describes the crushes and infatuations that come before finally meeting and having that pure and true first love.
Book 2 is the teddy bear which starts on my birthday 7/12/1983. Right in the middle between sophomore and junior year. That first love is meeting with the challenges of increased lust crashing head on with Catholic morality and upbringing. It did not end well. The journal then continues on with insignificant infatuations and goal-setting leading up to making decisions about college, and then finally being accepted and choosing careers and schools.
Book 3 picks up somewhere around the end of my college career as I start to make plans for my future. It's funny to see the different penmanship styles in my first journal and how they changed as I matured. The voice of the 12 year old me being so different from the voice of my 20 year old self.
I also found some "treasures" hidden in the pages...
A final birthday note from my grandmother signed the year she died...
Some poetry I wrote...
And love letters I never sent...
It's strange to see my life now and wonder about the person who wrote those words... What would I tell her if I could....? What different decisions would she make knowing where she would eventually end up...? Sometimes I guess it might be better letting life happen and continuing being a witness to it.
I read parts of my journal to a friend tonight. In this way I am her memory too... And a part of all the lives that have been mentioned on those pages... No matter where they are, they have been recorded so as not to be forgotten...
