A Flood of Memories

So, I just spent the last weekend in Florida attending the Daytona 500. I also went for a job interview, and I got the job! So, we will soon be moving to Florida and starting a new chapter in our lives. But, I will talk about that more in future posts.

What I wanted to talk about was the flood of memories I was having all weekend. Driving to the airport, I started thinking about my mother and how much she would have enjoyed traveling then *BAM* I'm back in the room with her on the day she died, and I'm watching her take her last breath. I manage to hold it together and continue some banter with my husband as we're going down the road.

I'm better once we get to the airport and onto the plane. We land in Los Angeles and get to our next gate. Soon we're on the plane now headed east when once again, out of nowhere *BAM* the memory of holding my mother's hand as I told her how much I loved her and how I was going to do all the trips and travels we planned to do before she fell. And, again, there she was taking her last breath. And, the tears started all over.

This happened to me at least three more times during the weekend. Once, even, if you can believe it while sitting at the race track waiting for the race to start. I mean, seriously, what was wrong with me? One second I'm sitting there listening to the pre-race announcements, and the next I'm thinking about what a beautiful day it was, which lead to wondering how Momma would have liked living in Florida, and there was that memory again. Luckily, sunglasses and a quick swipe at my eyes helped mask the tears that had started to fall.

I know in part it's probably because of the thought of moving and leaving California. She's on my mind as I start to pack up her room and make decisions about what's staying in her home in SoCal and what's going across the country for me to keep in her memory. Like this bunny... I bought it for her around the 1st of April not knowing that a week later she would be dead. I liked that it had a purple bow, because she liked purple. And, she always enjoyed fun things like this to decorate her room for the season.

I guess I'm just really missing talking to my mom about decisions I have to make. About seeking her counsel on choices I am making about the house. About not having her here by my side traveling and seeing all these new places. About her death anniversary. About how I am still not sure how I am supposed to do things without her in my life. About how I don't feel her around me, and I'm not sure if there really is a Heaven despite her faith and my religion.

And, I think that's the worse part...

The Tenth Monthiversary

It's still on the fridge.

I can't bring myself to throw it away.

It's not bothering anyone, 

and it's not in the way,

it's just there

as a reminder

of Momma's basic needs...

In my first monthiversary post,

I wrote about how strange it was to walk into the grocery store

for the first time and not knowing where to start.

Shopping has changed now.

Hubby and I have actually started shopping together 

in the last several weeks.

Now I've gotten into the routine of thinking of what we need.

I still occasionally find myself going down an aisle and 

mentally checking off what Momma would have needed.

But we've made changes too:

we get a different kind of butter

we don't buy as much ice cream any more

we don't buy flavored creamer or Mocha Mix

and I haven't bought Diet Cranberry Juice for 10 months.

Even if the list eventually comes off the fridge

it won't matter.

Momma's list will always be ingrained in my brain...

things like that can't ever be forgotten...

The Ninth Monthiversary

And just like that, it's a new year

and the ninth month without my mother.

The pain has decreased somewhat, 

but I find when the memories hit

they hit hard.

I'll go for days doing ok,

but then a memory will strike...

a scene will be replayed...

and, suddenly I am back to the moment that she died...

or back to the morning before she died...

or back to the week before she died...

and, I start to question myself over and over,

and the tears come

and the pain starts up again,

and I find myself wondering for the 100th time

if there was anything else I could have, should have, would have done...

A year ago she was leaving the hospital and starting rehab...

and I go back and replay the day she fell...

what could I have done differently...?

How should we have handled her rehab differently..?

What else...?

Always, what else...?

or... what if...?

Yeah, let's go down that rabbit hole one more time...

No matter the pathway, I end up back here,

trying to reassure myself I did everything I could,

I fulfilled all her wishes,

I made her last moments peaceful,

at least I pray I did...

because that causes the most doubt of all,

that I didn't do something right at the end...

when it really mattered...

btw, the little foot is an etching I noted where the new concrete was poured

in the back yard of my mother's home...

just her name and the date,

I don't know the significance of the foot...

I wish I did...

TYOFWM - Christmas Holidays

I made it through Christmas. I made it...

There was a moment there I thought I was going to lose it. I thought about Momma and just a year ago sitting at home, opening gifts... an earring and necklace set from her favorite store which she never got to wear, which I now wear... some sugar free chocolates from our local candy shop which she didn’t really get to eat and which my husband ended up eating... sitting around, laughing, looking forward to the cruise in a few weeks which she never got to go on... and, me, sitting at a restaurant on board another cruise ship, drinking a glass of wine while looking at the sunset, remembering... tears just beginning to well and that weird lump in your throat that you get... and trying to hold it together.

December 25, 2018... Christmas... She fell just 5 days later, and that was the beginning of the end... just five more days of normalcy. Five more days of having her completely in my life. Five more days at home until she returned four months later to die... this is one anniversary I am not looking forward to.

But, for now, I will savor in the fact that I made it through Christmas without having a total melt down. Taking this trip was a blessing in a lot of ways. No sitting around the house thinking of her... seeing her everywhere yet feeling her absence... I made it through... 

Now the rest of the Year of Firsts Without Momma will begin... all the way through to the anniversary of her death, and what would have been her 82nd birthday... both of which I will be celebrating at sea... on the Pacific... which supposedly has no memory... but I’ll be bringing plenty of mine to share...

The Eighth Monthiversary

Ecclesiastes 3 American Standard Version (ASV)For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.

It's so hard to believe that it's been eight months since my mother died. Sometimes the pain is so fresh that it feels as though it was just yesterday. I still have moments when tears seem to just come out of nowhere.... a memory, a flash of something familiar, a thought that I want to share with her after which I suddenly remember that she's not there.

It's sure to be a little harder around the holidays. This is the time of year with so many memories of past traditions...

We hadn't really done a real Thanksgiving in years, but this year I suddenly found myself trying to remember how we spent Thanksgiving last year. I remember bringing home turkey and all the fixings for my husband and me from the hospital cafeteria, but I can't remember what Momma ate last year... I can't remember if she even got a slice of pumpkin pie.

It's funny, but I have started to think now that's it been over six months of time more as a countdown to the first anniversary of her death instead of a timeline of how long it has been. And, I start to think of what we we were doing a year ago before the fall that started her on her downward spiral. 

This time a year ago we were planning a cruise for just after the first of the year... a cruise that would include Cuba which my Momma had always wanted to see. We'd have been gone for a month.

Right now I am planning another cruise... this one will only be for a week, but it will be the week of Christmas. I just don't think I can be home this year without Momma. To not have her with me on Christmas Eve... memories of coming home after being with family, opening up our gifts to each other, watching the Midnight Mass from the Vatican, tamales and pan dulce on Christmas morning...

Sigh... It's going to be a rough four more months... 

The Six Monthiversary

Half a year ago, I sat at your side and held your hand

when you took your last breath...

Six months ago, I promised you that I would do

all the things that you and I had planned to do together,

but I would be now doing them alone...

Twenty-six weeks ago, I prayed as your soul was taken up to Heaven,

and I was left as a witness to your incredible faith...

and hope...

and trust...

and love...

A year ago, I didn't know that 183 days later you would be gone,

and that I would feel like my life had ended too...

but you knew life goes through cycles...

and these chicks you raised are now adults...

and life goes on... 

At 3:20 p.m., about 4,380 hours ago you died

on a beautiful spring day...

The sky was blue, there were clouds in the sky,

and the sun had shone through your window;

the same window you had looked out of hundreds of times

at the animals you loved to see so much

because you loved to see life,

and you loved life on the farm.

And, you loved life...

And, I will miss you in this life,

and look forward to seeing you again in the next...

Love you, Momma...

The Four Monthiversary

They're still sitting there:  a rose from my mother's burial wreath and her handkerchief that I had in my purse on the day of her funeral.  The funeral planner made boutonnieres for the pall bearers from the white roses in her burial wreath.  This is the rose my husband wore.  After the funeral, as we were driving back to the house, we took the flower off and for a while it sat with the handkerchief in my center console.  Then I moved them to the door where they still sit. 

Four months.... can it really have been four months?  Some days it's fresh in my mind, like it just happened yesterday.  Other days I don't think about her at all as my mind is filled with the events of the day, but then something triggers a thought and it all comes rushing back to me.  

There's mornings where I wake up earlier than my alarm and my thoughts are filled with her, with the choices I made, with her final moments.  And, I find I can't go back to sleep.  There are nights when I am saying my prayers which always include a special prayer that Momma is in Heaven and that God continues to watch over her.  Then I can't sleep thinking about that last week, that last day, that last hour, that final moment when she breathed her last.

How can she be gone...?  And why do I feel like she's really gone, like there is no after life, like she just blinked out of existence... When my uncle died I could feel him around me... the same with my grandmother as if she was just out of sight watching over me... but now, I don't feel like I feel or sense her at all.  Is it because I can't visit her grave easily?  Is it because I don't have a sense of her presence?  

There's a part of me that wishes she had been cremated then at least I'd have something physical and tangible;  something to carry around and talk to.  Maybe that's why that rose and handkerchief are still sitting in the door of my car.... in a way it's a part of her that's still around... 

As for her room and clothes and things... that will still have to wait a while longer too... her smell is still there, at least I have that as well...

Birthday Month Shuffle - 7th Edition Day 10

Is this what acceptance is like...?

I can't believe I forgot the Thirdaversary of my mom's death two days ago!

I've been very candid about my feelings and grief on this blog.

Sharing my depression and suicidality without shame or fear of judgement

because a lot of my friends are sharing similar loss as we age

and our parents begin to die.

Of course, we all are unique in our suffering because we all have different stories

to share about our relationships with our mothers.

But still... to have already forgotten a significant date!

I guess time and the world does move on...

So today I'll share this song from my iPod...

a song about going through challenges and making it to the other side...

dedicated to all the moms that have gone before us

and are waiting for us on the river's edge...

#275 - P is for Panama Canal

For our anniversary in February, we went on a 

13 night Panama Canal cruise.

After 5 days of travel, we arrived at the 

Panama Canal.

We were up at 5 in the morning to get front row seats.

About 90 minutes later, we finally arrived at the locks.

Specialized vehicles then secured lines to the boat

and helped guide us through.

You entered the Gatun locks and settled in as the 

water rushed in and lifted the boat about 30 feet,

and then you slid into the next lock.

This was repeated three times until we found ourselves flowing

into Lake Gatun.

The process took a couple of hours so we watched 

part of it on our "favorite shipboard channel."

Those "islands" in Lake Gatun are actually the tops of 

hills and mountains that were not submerged when

the lake was flooded during the building of the canal.

Supposedly a small city is preserved under the water

and is a favorite of scuba divers.

Here we crossed the Continental Divide.

We reached the next set of locks around mid-day.

These are the Pedro Miguel Locks.

The final locks to the Pacific are at Miraflores

and the visitors center was packed with people

who cheered us on as we passed through the locks.

Finally the Bridge of the Americas and the Pacific Ocean.

Panama City as we turned north and headed toward LA.

It took almost 12 hours to complete the journey across the locks.

A very memorable experience.

A Marvelous Voyage

I know I haven't written in a while.  You see, I took two weeks off work and went on a cruise across the Panama Canal.  From Miami to Los Angeles.  I had to work before the cruise to make up for the time I would be gone, and coming home, I had to jump back into work to make up for the time I missed.   But, I digress...

I thought I would share a few of the over 1500 photos and videos we took while on the trip.  I have some free time at the end of the month, so I will have a movie to go along with this, but for now, enjoy the scenery... My husband and I sure did...

Cruise day.  View from Miami Hilton Downtown.  Our boat is second from the left.

Cartagena, Columbia view of old town from fortress.

Art work from the Palace of the Inquisition in Cartagena, Columbia

Sail day from the front deck of the Norwegian Star

Approaching the Gatun Locks from the Atlantic side of the Panama Canal

The Bridge of the Americas as we sail toward the Pacific Ocean

Our room steward made towel animals every evening... fun trying to guess what he was going to do next...

A puffer fish during our snorkel tour in Huatulco, Mexico

These are just a few, but I am saving the majority of my pictures for the A to Z challenge starting on April 1... come back to check them out!!

Taster's Delight...

Hubby and I took advantage of a professional conference in Napa

to get away and spend a great weekend being foodies

for our 6th Anniversary.

I, of course, took pictures and am sharing all of

the wines that we enjoyed...

Not just to share with you... because they were YUMMY

and I highly recommend them,

but also so that next time we are in Napa, 

we can stop and visit the wineries,

and I'll already have a list... 

and, now, so will you...

To begin:

We celebrated our anniversary dinner at

Napa Valley Bistro

From the minute we walked in, we were treated like family.

We toasted with a Domaine Carneros Brut to start

which paired well with the 

Bosc Pear and Brie Cheese Flatbread we were served.

We both opted for the specials, and I took advantage

of the special occasion and ordered the ribeye...

Moist, tender, covered in mushrooms, a luscious deglaze sauce

and these blue cheese layered potatoes (mandolin cut a la Lutece) which were

so good... 

I paired my steak with a Buena Vista Cabernet Sauvignon,

and hubby paired his seafood delight with a Meiomi Pinot Noir.

The dessert wine was a Merryvale Antigua Muscat which I enjoyed

with a simple scoop of vanilla ice cream.

On our way home, we stopped at

Rustic located at the Coppola Winery.

Hubby had the Chicken Mattone which 

he paired with a Director's Cut Pinot Noir...

And, I had the Gateau de Pommes which

I paired with a Reserve Viogner...

Of course, I didn't mention breakfast...

This delicious chicken and waffles from

Napa Valley Biscuits

can only be paired with their

Death-by-Chocolate milk served in a Mason Jar...

OMG...!

There went all my allowed cheating for the month...!

Bon Appetit!

A New Place to Begin Anew

I don't have to post a blog today for the challenge, but since I promised one last week and I didn't deliver, I thought I would write one today.

When I first started blogging, it was on a platform run by AOL called Journals at AOL or something like that.  Suddenly AOL pulled its platform, and we (my fellow J-landers and I) were left floundering as we tried out other platforms.  I ended up on Blogger.

Since I had long answered the question that "yes, there are squirrels in Buffalo," I thought I would name my new blog "Buffalo Squirrels Won't You Come Out Tonight?"  Partially, this was to pay homage to my new temporary home, and partially, it was a tongue-in-cheek reference to the clientele I was meeting in the emergency department.

As I transitioned from a first to second year, I could see changes in my attitude toward dealing with patients.  I think I also became more reflective of some of the patients and cases I witnessed.  I gained a lot of experience dealing with emergency situations, some medical and some traumatic.   I also wrote a lot more about my patient experiences than I had before.

We had a plane crash that year with 52 souls lost.

I celebrated my one year anniversary with my DH.

I learned a little about a LOT of orthopedic surgery, mostly during call when the "Black Cloud" of the ortho service was my resident.

I ate my body weight in New Orleans while on a conference.

I spent a month with the county medical examiner and had a great rotation... hard to believe when you're dealing with death, but some of it is so fascinating.

I started off my senior residency year and had the worst case of my residency which still haunts me to this day.

I continued my love for all things fire truck related, and became assistant medical director of the Buffalo Niagara International Airport Airport Rescue Fire Fighters.

Hubby and I traveled the Interview Trail to find our new home in the Pacific Northwest.

I was sued.  The upside was returning to Boston and really enjoying the city and colleagues.

I crewed on a racing sailboat during that last summer in Buffalo and thoroughly enjoyed it!  Which led to my first posting on You Tube as I filled a video full of the hundres of pics I took that summer....




And, finally, graduation came, and I planned the cross-country move along with the end of that blog and the beginning of this one.

Thank you for joining me on this journey through memory lane... enjoy the rest of the challenge!  And, please, I hope you continue to enjoy this little blog of mine...!

On the Road, Again...

Seems like over the last month I have been doing a lot of traveling...

First off, my husband and I celebrated our 5th year anniversary.  We went to Calistoga which sits just north of Napa in the wine country.

One of the things my hubby said he always wanted to do was go in a hot air balloon... so we did...

Meanwhile, I've been continuing to do shifts at several hospitals in Sacramento which has been both a challenge and a welcome break from the standard "clinic" fare I see at my usual job.

No sooner did we get back from Calistoga, then I left for Sacramento.  My hubby came and met me at the end of the week, and we were off again...

For a week-long cruise to the Southern Caribbean...!

I considered it the second "half" of our anniversary trip.

We had an awesome time, and here is the video I made

which only shows about 1/3 of the several hundred photos

and videos I took while on the trip...

For now, it's back to work and our life on the FARM,

but we're headed out on the road again next month...

Where will we be going next...?

you'll have to wait and see...!

NaBloPoMo Day 24 - A New Year

It's amazing to think that it's been a year since we started living in our home.  We bought the home in April of 2011.  The prior owners rented from us until July 31st, and then we gained the house that night.

We didn't actually spend the first night in the house until after Thanksgiving last year.  Before then, the contractor actually lived in the house while he was building the dormer and did some of the preliminary work.  So now, it's been about a year since we started sleeping in the house... officially, we didn't move in until around April of this year, but I still consider our anniversary in the house when we started sleeping there for the first time...

Renewing Vows

I love you. Today is a very special day.
Long ago you were just a dream and a prayer.
I promise to give you the best of myself and to ask of you no more than you can give. 
I promise to accept you the way you are.
I promise to encourage and inspire you, to laugh with you,
and to comfort you in times of sorrow and struggle.
I promise to love you in good times and in bad,
when life seems easy and when it seems hard, 
when our love is simple, and when it is an effort. 
  I will be your friend and life partner no matter what life brings to us. 
Today I pledge my commitment to you.

Jerry & Veronica

Bodega Bay, California

2 - 22 - 2008