Birthday Month Shuffle - 7th Edition Happy Birthday to Me

TYOFWM (the year of firsts without Momma)

There's a part of me that still can't understand why she's not here with me.

Especially today...

I really miss my Momma.

I had her for 51 birthdays.

Always a card, always a call, always a memory from a particular birthday.

Momma liked to tell me how I always was pictured with a band-aid

or a fresh bruise on my forehead because I couldn't wait to run under

the piñata and grab the candy.

For some reason, this morning I keep going back to the memory

of turning 16 and how she came in my room just before 6:30 a.m.

to give me my birthday card and gift before she left for work.

She playfully woke me up giving me 16 smacks on the butt

and presenting me with a card, some cash, and a gift of a small travel bag.

She came in early because I was going on a planned hike with

the church youth group I was a part of and wouldn't be back until

later in the afternoon.  She didn't want to miss saying

"Happy Birthday" to me that day.  My sweet 16th.

That small travel bag was for a trip to a church camp on Catalina

happening a little later in the summer.

Like I've said before, Momma and I had a tumultuous relationship

as I entered into my teens and started to try to become more independent.

And, as it was, we weren't a family that was particularly affectionate.

So, I often didn't know if my Mom even loved me or not.

It's just not something that was ever expressed.

Later that summer, at Campus by the Sea on Catalina, during a special

prayer ceremony near the end of camp, I was given a letter written by her.

All the parents had been asked to write a letter to their kids to be shared

with them at that time.

Even now, tears are streaming down my face remembering that letter.

For the first time, my Mom shared her hopes and dreams,

and, more importantly, her love for me.

All those things that I really needed to hear.

Suddenly, she wasn't quite the enemy I had thought her to be,

but the single mom that had unselfishly worked so hard to make

sure I realized all the dreams she had for me.

I can't say it was an emotional reunion at the end of that week when I got home.

Today it would be the equivalent of walking in the door

and just nodding and saying, "'sup?"

But something changed that year for the better in our relationship.

And, eventually, we could hug and say "I love you."

Which I wish more than anything I could do again today.

Thank you, Momma.

I know somewhere out there you're wishing me a

Happy Birthday.

This song is for her:

#1596 - On Vivacity

I always hated that project in school, or sometimes at camp

where you had to introduce yourself with an adjective

to help people remember your first name.

What I wouldn't give at that time to be:

Darling Darla

Laughing Linda

Awesome Anna

I, almost always, had to be

Vivacious Veronica

I mean, how many other adjectives that are appealing

are there that start with the letter V?

The only thing is, I didn't feel Vivacious.

To me, at that time, Vivacious Veronicas were 

cheerleaders, student body presidents,

cute fun girls who drove convertables,

and dated football players.

I was the smart, short and dumpy looking girl

who had a lot of boy "friends" but no one

that I really dated.

(I later found out it was because most of my

male friends turned out to be gay;  I was a hag

even then and just didn't know it.)

But, Vivacious, not me...

Of course, in college, alcohol helped a lot...

At parties and at the bar, I was the funny one.

My friends attracted the boys with their looks,

but I kept them laughing while my friends

danced and enjoyed the free drinks.

I still didn't date much at all,

and I continued to be friends with guys

who later turned out to be gay, again.

But, I had fun, and continued to have fun

with my gay friends until I met my husband

and finally didn't have to worry about being a hag

all my life...

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Still, Vivacious...?

Well, maybe just a little after all...

2013 A to Z Challenge Post:

V is for Veronica

Birthday Shuffle a Deux #9

Here I am, Lord - John Michael Talbot
Catalina Island, summer camp, talent show. I used to play guitar. I think I started playing guitar because my mom encouraged me to join the church choir and got me a guitar. I have to admit I wasn't very good. I could play chords, sure. I could sing, sure. I just wasn't very good at it. I'm sure if I had applied myself and actually practiced, I might have been better. But, I digress.

While in high school, I was a member of the church youth group, and my junior and senior years I went to a week long church camp at Campus by the Sea on Catalina Island. At the end of the week, there would be a talent show. I played this song with one of the other campers singing. Her talent was showcased, I just basically strummed along in the background. But, I loved this song. It's one of several religious pieces of music on my iPod. I find them to be inspirational, and I find them at times to help me reflect on what I am doing in my life.

This song especially spoke to me as a teen working my way through conflicts with my mom, trying to find my independence, looking ahead to college and the unknown. I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing, and there was a certain peace in just being able to say, "Here I am; I am ready to do Your will." Given the twists and turns my life has taken to get here, I guess I still am.

1 Samuel 3:2 - 10
2 One night Eli, whose eyes were becoming so weak that he could barely see, was lying down in his usual place. 3 The lamp of God had not yet gone out, and Samuel was lying down in the house of the Lord, where the ark of God was.

4 Then the Lord called Samuel. Samuel answered, “Here I am. ” 5 And he ran to Eli and said, “Here I am; you called me.” But Eli said, “I did not call; go back and lie down.” So he went and lay down.
6 Again the Lord called, “Samuel!” And Samuel got up and went to Eli and said, “Here I am; you called me.” “My son,” Eli said, “I did not call; go back and lie down.” 7 Now Samuel did not yet know the Lord: The word of the Lord had not yet been revealed to him.
8 A third time the Lord called, “Samuel!” And Samuel got up and went to Eli and said, “Here I am; you called me.” Then Eli realized that the Lord was calling the boy. 9 So Eli told Samuel, “Go and lie down, and if he calls you, say, ‘Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening.’” So Samuel went and lay down in his place.
10 The Lord came and stood there, calling as at the other times, “Samuel! Samuel! ” Then Samuel said, “Speak, for your servant is listening.”