Funny how you can blink
and soon it's been five months since your mother died...
Five months since you last got to talk to her...
Five months since she responded to your voice...
Five months since she last held your hand and
asked you not to leave her side while she slept
so that when she woke up she would see you
and be reassured.
Five months without her...
Five months of slowly getting rid of her possessions
and feeling guilty every time you do
because you wonder if she would agree with what you decide
to do with her clothes...
her this or that or the other...
Five months still valuing her opinion
on everything from the bank account
to renting her home
to where we should take our next trip
and where should we think about moving
if we move
when we move
dare we move?
Five months of not hearing if she likes
my new writing
my new outfit
my new painting
I went to her for just about everything
and now it's been five months of trying to figure it out
will Momma approve...?
is Momma proud...?
what else does Momma expect of me...?
she missed this year's County Fair
and getting her traditional corn
and watching the horse races
and seeing all the farm animals
and stopping for an ice cream
before heading home...
It wasn't the same without her,
and I thought about her the whole time
and how I wish she were there with me
and how unfair it all seemed...
and how unfair it still is...
Five months later