Friday, February 21, 2020

A Flood of Memories

So, I just spent the last weekend in Florida attending the Daytona 500. I also went for a job interview, and I got the job! So, we will soon be moving to Florida and starting a new chapter in our lives. But, I will talk about that more in future posts.

What I wanted to talk about was the flood of memories I was having all weekend. Driving to the airport, I started thinking about my mother and how much she would have enjoyed traveling then *BAM* I'm back in the room with her on the day she died, and I'm watching her take her last breath. I manage to hold it together and continue some banter with my husband as we're going down the road.

I'm better once we get to the airport and onto the plane. We land in Los Angeles and get to our next gate. Soon we're on the plane now headed east when once again, out of nowhere *BAM* the memory of holding my mother's hand as I told her how much I loved her and how I was going to do all the trips and travels we planned to do before she fell. And, again, there she was taking her last breath. And, the tears started all over.

This happened to me at least three more times during the weekend. Once, even, if you can believe it while sitting at the race track waiting for the race to start. I mean, seriously, what was wrong with me? One second I'm sitting there listening to the pre-race announcements, and the next I'm thinking about what a beautiful day it was, which lead to wondering how Momma would have liked living in Florida, and there was that memory again. Luckily, sunglasses and a quick swipe at my eyes helped mask the tears that had started to fall.

I know in part it's probably because of the thought of moving and leaving California. She's on my mind as I start to pack up her room and make decisions about what's staying in her home in SoCal and what's going across the country for me to keep in her memory. Like this bunny... I bought it for her around the 1st of April not knowing that a week later she would be dead. I liked that it had a purple bow, because she liked purple. And, she always enjoyed fun things like this to decorate her room for the season.

I guess I'm just really missing talking to my mom about decisions I have to make. About seeking her counsel on choices I am making about the house. About not having her here by my side traveling and seeing all these new places. About her death anniversary. About how I am still not sure how I am supposed to do things without her in my life. About how I don't feel her around me, and I'm not sure if there really is a Heaven despite her faith and my religion.

And, I think that's the worse part...

Saturday, February 8, 2020

The Tenth Monthiversary

It's still on the fridge.
I can't bring myself to throw it away.
It's not bothering anyone, 
and it's not in the way,
it's just there
as a reminder
of Momma's basic needs...

I wrote about how strange it was to walk into the grocery store
for the first time and not knowing where to start.
Shopping has changed now.
Hubby and I have actually started shopping together 
in the last several weeks.
Now I've gotten into the routine of thinking of what we need.

I still occasionally find myself going down an aisle and 
mentally checking off what Momma would have needed.
But we've made changes too:
we get a different kind of butter
we don't buy as much ice cream any more
we don't buy flavored creamer or Mocha Mix
and I haven't bought Diet Cranberry Juice for 10 months.

Even if the list eventually comes off the fridge
it won't matter.
Momma's list will always be ingrained in my brain...
things like that can't ever be forgotten...

Featured Post...

The Mid 40's are in the Books

For some reason I never got around to writing about traveling to National Parks numbers 44, 45 and now 46...! Back at the end of June...