Dear 15 year old Vonnie,
Right now you are at the end-all, be-all time of your life. The world is your oyster, and you feel as if there isn't anything you can't do and you're going to conquer the world. Self-doubt has no place in your life. You're on Honor Society. You're a "sosh" and involved in multiple school activities. You have a boyfriend who loves you and a great circle of friends. You've lived by your strict Hispanic Catholic parents' rules without question, but things are changing.
There was no question you were going to college. The expectations have been there since you were in 6th grade. Have to have the good grades to get into the private all-girls' school; no hanging around boys during those formative years. Have to have the right volunteer and social activities to get into a good college. Of course, there's no problem with grades because everything from phone privileges to going to school dances depends on those grades. That 1st quarter C+ meant no allowance nor going to movies with friends or out at all that 2nd quarter; we learned our lesson then...
And, that boyfriend which technically you're not supposed to have because you're not allowed to date until you're 16... maybe you should have been patient. Right now you think that Mom has no clue about men. She divorced when you were just a baby. She probably only had sex twice, right? She doesn't know about the passion and excitement that First Love can bring. She obviously never experienced that need to be with someone else who gives you an emotional connection which she never did. That need to be held and touched and just feel "loved." Something else you never got from her.
If you had only waited 4 more months... things might not have gotten hurried and rushed and maybe even closer to disaster. That explosive argument with your Mom will happen because of that. But, you broke up with him because you're a good girl and you do what your Mom tells you, even though you'll end up hating her for the next 2 years until you finally escape and go away to college and start to make your own decisions.
You and your First Love try again for a short time during those first years away from home, but it's not the same because it's long distance and college has it's own new experiences... meanwhile you got to date that football player, had your first "older man" crush, dated the "not good enough for my daughter" musician, and started on your journey to being a full on "hag." Although, to be honest, you didn't even know what that meant until years later... he was just the sweet and sensitive, good looking best guy friend you'd ever had... super great except he didn't want to kiss you which was ok because you had other guys who did, but why didn't he..? Well, you're going to learn all about that lifestyle in ways you never imagined...
But, back to your 15 year old self... the next 2 years are going to be super hard. Life will still be good. Grades, good. Friends, good. Hate your Mom, check. You'll think about driving yourself off that cliff on the way home multiple times. You'll think about cutting all the way through your wrists, but then you'll imagine the blood and the mess... and, it's the mess that gets you, because no matter how easy the decision is for you, there will be those left behind that will have to clean up that mess. And despite your anger and frustration at the world for not being rich enough, pretty enough, anything superficial enough, and despite the fact you hate your Mom, you just can't do that to her... not the killing... the mess.
So you won't, it's another thing you'll get through, and it's a good thing you do because 15 years later after adventures across the country, through Europe where you declare independence, living in Mexico City, doing things that would amaze most people, you take a leap of faith and your Mother's faith in you and you get to go to medical school. Mom is now your ally in the struggles. She's your strongest support during a time when things really feel hopeless. After living away from home for college and then that year in Mexico City, she's suddenly more like a real mom; someone you can talk to, someone who understands the struggle of being a single woman working her way through the world. Suddenly she's relatable.
You'll meet the real Love of Your Life in medical school, and he will be a grounding force that keeps you moving ahead. You'll travel around the country and have the most exciting adventures. You'll move to a beautiful house and make it a home. You'll have beautiful dogs and cats and chickens and goats and sheep. No children because the example your Mom set scares you from ever having children because you don't want to be like her.
So be patient. That breakup means you won't be a pregnant teen because you're so desperate for love and affection. And you probably would have ended up breaking up with him eventually, because we learn later on that we're bored easily with most men. It's the challenging ones that really fulfill us, and we've only met one so far that keeps us challenged. You don't find that at 15... or 16... or 17... I know you won't commit suicide because you're a person of faith, and you respect your family despite your anger and frustration. So keep enjoying the heck out of life because it will only get better, and college is only 3 years away...
Carpe Diem, baby,
Your 15x3+___ self...
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