Letting Go a Piece at a Time

This is one of my favorite pictures of my mother.

It was taken in Skagway, Alaska as we got ready to re-board the ship

after a day of riding the train to White Pass, which is what you do in Skagway.

It shows her sitting in her walker/wheel-chair which significantly

changed her life and ability to travel when we bought it several years ago.

Now, hopefully, it's changing someone else's life and improving their mobility.

Momma had peripheral neuropathy which is one of the complications of diabetes.

What she didn't know, because maybe even her doctors didn't know then,

is that with simple B-complex vitamins she might have diminished that

side effect of Metformin which she took for years.

The walker helped her have confidence getting around when she

could no longer feel her feet.

That walker literally allowed her to travel the world.

But, I digress...

This week I took the step of donating her walker/wheelchair.

I had previously loaned it to a friend who's co-worker had broken their leg

and was completely immobile.

It allowed my friend, and her other friends, to push this lady

out and about town; get her out of the house for a while.

And, I didn't feel bad about loaning it to them, because I knew it was coming back.

It was one of those objects that meant so much to my mother,

that I knew it would be hard to let go...

Loaning it out first made it easier.

There's a social worker at the hospital where I work at who's received

the bulk of Momma's medical supplies from her final days.

She knows the need, and she distributes things to her many clients.

I told her to make sure that someone very special got the walker.

Even though all of her clients are special, this was one of those pieces

that meant a lot to me because it meant a lot to my Momma.

I hope someone's life is changed because of it.

I hope someone's life is made better because of it.

I hope whomever receives it really appreciates it.

And, I truly hope that walker will continue to travel,

because if it could share the adventures it's had...

And, weird as it may sound,

I hope that walker has a long life helping people

because it helped and sometimes carried the most important

person in my life once upon a time.

Momma under the Alaskan Pipeline on our

second trip to Alaska...

Birthday Month Shuffle - 7th Edition Day 14

Working off my iPad so not able to embed videos, but I fixed yesterday’s link... thanks Betty..!

I’ve been thinking a lot about my mother these last couple of days.  My cousin/brother insists that he’s being visited by a ghost; might be her, might not be.  I only sometimes see her in my dreams.  Guess because I’ve been thinking about traveling and summertime was always about planning the next big trip with Momma.  So today I thought I would share a post from November’s NaBloPoMo in which I shared videos I’ve made about some travels... and they’re songs from my iPod, so bonus!

Enjoy... https://caldreamsquirrel.blogspot.com/2018/11/nablopomo-2018-day-13.html

NaBloPoMo 2018 - Day 13

Music has always been an important part of my life.
I can't remember a time when I didn't have one song or other playing
somewhere in the background.
Ask me about the guy, and I'll tell you the song attached to him.
Ask me about the trip, and I'll give you the soundtrack.
Cycling soundtrack - 190 songs, 12hrs32min

As I get older, certain songs begin to hold more meaning.
Kinda like the song "I Lived" by One Republic.

"I, I did it all.
I owned every second that this world could give,
saw so many places, the things that I did.
Yeah with every broken bone, I swear I lived."

My trip with my mother to Alaska was all about enjoying as much time as we
could together because she was dying of kidney failure.
It also was trying to fit in all the National Parks I could
and enjoying the splendor of Alaska.

That trip was on par with a road trip my husband and I did to Big Sky..
and we also managed to see multiple National Parks along the way.


The soundtrack to that trip was "Good to Be Alive" by Jason Gray

"Hold on

Is this really the life I'm living?

'Cause I don't feel like I deserve it

Every day that I wake, every breath that I take you’ve given

So right here, right now

While the sun is shining down

I wanna live like there's no tomorrow

Love like I'm on borrowed time

It's good to be alive, yeah"

Wonder what the next great adventure will be...

And, what song will be the soundtrack to it...

NaBloPoMo 2018 - Day 6

Perfect Day by Hoku

you can play this while you read this post

Today's prompt in the NaBloPoMo Revival group on Facebook asked us to describe our perfect day.  I've written about this before, both times referencing the Native America saying of "Hoka Hey" - "it's a good day to die."  And, when I think about my perfect day, it would be a day where at the end I could stand watching as the waining sun sunk into the horizon and think, "Hoka hey - today is a good day to die."

It would probably involve friends and family; spending time doing something that brought us together.  

It would probably involve nature; most likely a national park (for those that don't know, I am a National Park Geek) or the ocean and being there for hours in the splendor of it all.

It may or may not involve food... good food... like "oh, my God, I could eat this forever" kind of food.

More than likely it would involve travel.  I've been to a LOT of places around the world, still there are only three places that have literally brought a tear to my eye when I first saw them: Crater Lake National Park, Watertown-Glacier National Park, and Denali National Park - the second time I went.  I have to admit that cruising through Milford Sound in New Zealand was pretty amazing, but it didn't pass the tear test.

I'm sure that the day would include some kind of physical activity - whether it be completing another 100 mile bicycle tour, sailing on the ocean, flying a glider plane, traveling to two National Parks in Alaska on a float plane, or just riding again as the flight surgeon on a medical helicopter transport flight.

Who knows... maybe one day I'll be traveling back to Alaska to finish up the last 2 National Parks I have to visit (I'm 42/60 so far on the others)  and I'll be in a small "puddle jumper" to get there.  I'll arrive to an amazing salmon dinner at a lodge overlooking an area where I can watch bear playing in the river or along the coast.  I'll call my Hubby from the scene and Skype as I tell him about the day I've just had.  And I'll watch the sun set for the last time... Hoka Hey... 

T is for Travel

As I've stated before,

from an early age Momma always stressed the importance of travel.

 I can remember being 5 and going on my first airplane trip.

I was so excited I threw up all over her new coat.

Since then, I can't think of a year we didn't travel somewhere.

Momma and pre-DH in Puerto Vallarta

(*they were learning how to get along)

Momma in Colima, Mexico

Me and Momma on my honeymoon in Cozumel, Mexico

On a boat in Key West

Miami Beach, FL

Alaska Cruise, in Skagway

Grand Canyon train, AZ

Badlands National Park, in an RV

Momma fulfilling her bucket list item

of seeing Mt. Rushmore.

She told me she never thought she'd live long enough

to see it with her own eyes. 

I'm glad I was able to make that happen.

I hope we still have time

to make a few more trips

because the journey has been great so far.

C is for Cruise

Back in May of last year, I wrote about my mother's illness and how my only hope was that she would make it to a planned cruise in September.  She did...

We traveled from our home in Northern California to Portland

where we caught a train...

Which took us to Vancouver, BC where we caught our boat...

Momma checking out the view of Canada Place

from her cabin balcony...

And some of the other things she saw...

She did make it off the boat a couple of times...

We had a lot of fun...

And then got off the boat to get on a bus for an inland adventure...

We saw Denali

She wasn't crazy about her seatmate...

But she enjoyed the travel...

And she checked off one of her bucket list items...

Which I am happy she lived to do...

She's got a few more, including some we'll be

hitting this month, so stick around...

She's not done yet...!

Nature Photo Challenge, Day 7

Day 7 of 7 - While I have many photographs of our trip to Alaska, this has to be one of my favorites. The timing of the riverboat turning and the double rainbow was perfect. And, even though there's a few raindrops, I couldn't have asked for a more beautiful good-bye to the Land of the Midnight Sun...

Nature Photo Challenge, Day 5

Day 5: I know technically this is a montage of 6 photos... but it's also a one-in-a-million shot... 

I was on a boat off the coast of Juneau, rough seas, we had seen whales around, but no real good shots. I had just lost my lens cap to the sea as my hand grabbed for the railing, and suddenly there was a plume. Took a quick moment to focus on where it had been, and bam! Out pops this whale... 

I only prayed that it might be somewhat in focus... and it was...

On Mother's Day

This might be our last Mother's Day.

My mother is dying, 

and she's doing it on her terms.

You see, my mother has end-stage kidney disease because

of her many years of diabetes.

And, she is refusing dialysis.

And, I am supporting her decision.

In 2003, when I was going to graduate from medical school,

my mother was told that she would need dialysis

within the next 6 months.

She refused.

She told her nephrologist that she would take

whatever medication it would take to keep going

without dialysis.

She told him that she would follow

whatever diet, no matter how restrictive, to keep going

without dialysis.

And, she did.

For 10 years.

And, then in 2013 her nephrologist called me

to tell me to talk my mother into getting dialysis,

because it was time and her kidneys were worse.

I talked to her.

I talked to him.

I talked to her, 

and she said "no!"

So, I talked to him.

And here we are.

A few months ago she asked me how it would go.

I told her that her body would start getting weaker

and that some dangerous electrolytes in her body would build up

and that one day, her heart would probably go into a fatal arrhythmia 

because of the buildup of potassium

and that would be it.

She nodded in understanding, sighed

and said, "OK"

then changed the subject to something about 

the cruise we have planned in September.

In April, for her birthday, we traveled to all the 

National Parks in Utah and added Great Basin in Nevada

and Death Valley in California.

And, as on all road trip, we talked,

but this time it was about such things as

where she wanted to be buried

(not in the ground, in a mausoleum,

and not near the bottom but as high as she can

for the view,

and she would have liked to have been

buried at Rose Hills, but then decided she

wanted to stay at our local cemetery

because "everyone I know" is there.)

She told me where all the important papers are.

She changed her bank account so I could be on it.

She's told me what to do with everything from

her beloved Miata to the ceramic figurines my

grandmother painted and which fill our house.

She doesn't want to plan anything beyond September.

She's become more introverted.

And, I worry how much time is left.

I noticed this last trip how tired she is,

how frustrated she is in her body that is failing.

And my soul is breaking because I can't imagine a world

without her in it.

But, I've had to start facing it.

So we wait.

We slowly plan week by week.

Month by month.

With a goal of September.

So that she can see Alaska.

And, I can see it alongside her

and keep that memory forever.

Like all the little ones I've been collecting

over the last several months,

never knowing which one might be

the last.

And, hoping beyond hope,

that she makes it to September

and Alaska.