Day 5 - Suicide is Not Painless

Warning, this post is being written a little tongue in cheek... just a little...

When I got home from work today, I commented to my DH that just once I wish I could get away with writing a post on how to end your life the proper way.   I'd discuss the various options with making sure that every plan met every need and lifestyle.  However, I lamented that someone would probably use one of the ways that I suggested and then the family would find a way to sue me because I had posted the method online.  He answered that there were probably plenty of other websites out there that posted ways, and sadly I know he is right.

Now don't get me wrong, I value life.  In fact, I've made a career out of trying to help extend people's lives.  Also, however, as those who have read my blog for a long time know,  I am a strong proponent of letting people "go to Jesus" when the time is appropriate;  not by their own hand, obviously, but when the body is no longer capable of living a good life.  By the way, is your advance directive written and signed?

But, seriously, sometimes I get so frustrated with the "I'll show/punish/embarrass/one up him/her/my parents/my ex/the jerk down the street by killing myself" dramatics that come into the ED.  Especially the repeat ones with borderline personality issues who can't seem to live their lives (or end them obviously) without a plethora of texts, threats, phone calls with yelling and screaming, coming in with their posse in tow, etc;  all in plain view of whomever is in the vicinity seemingly to announce "Feel sorry for me because I think it's better to end my life than live with these people who don't seem to care about me even though they obviously are just trying to make my life more impossible by being around when I am hysterical like this.  Oh, and by the way, I didn't get my pillow, soda, and blanket like I asked for.  See how horrible my life is...?  I should just kill myself and show you..."

People I've known have committed suicide.  A dear friend died at the hand of someone who killed them and then committed suicide.   I've seen autopsies on suicides during my time in the ME's office, and I know what a knife, rope, bullet, drugs, etc can do to the inside and outside of a person.  In the ED, I've see the devastation of family members who have found their loved ones after the event.  The questions.  The lack of answers.  I understand suicide for health reasons.  I even agree to a certain extent with physician-assisted suicide.

I just don't understand those that play at life and death.  Those that use it to get attention.  Those that use it as a threat to those they love.  It's those people that I want to give instructions to.  However, given their motives, they'd probably still get it wrong.

Day 4 - Sweet Escape

Some days after a shift, you just need an escape from reality.

I guess some people get tied up in other people's lives

by watching reality TV.

As I've written before, we watch telenovelas.

And this season, oy, we're watching several...

Three in fact.

One is pure drama, the other is almost pure comedy,

and the third is a little bit of both.

My husband tells me he can't understand how I can 

be so fascinated and intrigued by them.

Then he looks up from his computer and says,

"why is she so mad at that other lady?"

Or he asks, "what's going on with that couple?"

Or he tells me to "put on that one with the bad guy."

It's really easy to get sucked in

and escape from everything

if only for a little while...

Day 3 - Dance It Out

This morning we experienced an unusual phenomenon in the emergency room... we had no patients for almost two hours... imagine that!  A Monday morning with no patients at all coming in, and all of the rooms empty.

So I started playing music while I worked on some charts...

and the nurses started dancing to

"Low" by Flo Rida

Soon there was laughter and giddiness

throughout the entire staff

this morning...

The music played until suddenly

the ED was full within about 

an hour as ambulances and patients

started showing up en masse...

However, throughout the day, I could occasionally

hear one of the nurses humming the music,

another moving her head to the internal beat

that she alone could hear,

and the ED tech whistling the tune as

he went about his work...

Which is why I love this scene from "Grey's Anatomy"

and the words in it:

We go into medicine because we want to save lives. 

We go into medicine because we want to do good. 

We go into medicine for the rush, for the high, for the ride 

but what we remember at the end of most days are the losses. 

What we lay awake replaying is the pain we caused or failed to cure. 

The lives we ruined or failed to save. 

So the experience of practicing medicine rarely resembles the goal. 

The experience too often is ass backwards and upside down.

- Meredith Grey (Season4, Ep.9-Crash Into Me: Part 1)

Sometimes you just need to dance it out.

To relieve the stress

To get ready for the day

To share a moment devoid of the reality of what we do on a daily basis

To remember we are a team...

Day 2 - Life and Death

I started off life as a journalist.  Writing about what happened to other people.  Taking photos of happened to other people.  And, thinking about the stories that I would one day write about the fictional lives of other people.

When I decided to become a doctor, I didn't realize the extent to which I would become a part of people's lives.  Sure, I imagined a myriad of scenarios in which I would be the one who stepped in and saved the day.  Ticker tape parades and newspaper headlines all around.  But, as an ED doc, you're often in the background.  You don't get the chocolates and muffin baskets.  You make the diagnosis, but someone else steps in and finishes the job.

But there are some days when you're front and center.  When despite everything you do, the heart doesn't start beating again.  When the lungs won't take another breath unassisted.  When the bleeding can't be stopped.  When you have to tell a family that "despite our best efforts, I'm sorry but your loved one died."

And, sometimes, surprisingly, on a day like today, when you lose a patient so unexpectedly, you find yourself again in the midst of someone else's experience... but this time, one of pure joy... the birth of a new baby.  I didn't know this morning when I headed into work that I would watch one person take their last breath on Earth and then just a few short hours later watch another take their first breath.  In both cases there was a lot of hand holding.  A lot of encouragement for peace on their journey.  And, a few tears.

You don't cry then.  You're the professional.  The one with all the strength.  Your tears come later, when you're walking to your car at the end of the shift.  When you finally let the emotions of the day come out.  When you sit down to write about what just happened to other people.

#123 - The First Day

It's that time of year again...!

NAtional BLOg POsting MOnth...!

I've done it every year for the last several years.

Really want to get to the point where I can do the NaNoWriMo,

where you write a novel over the next month,

but I still can't get my timing right... 

sigh, maybe next year...

Regardless, thanks for visiting my little spot

of the interweb and reading my daily musing.

Since, this is the time of year I get a lot of new readers,

I thought I would tell you a little about myself and my

little world.

To start, I'm a doctor.

An Emergency Medicine doctor.

That means that I work in the Emergency Department

of several hospitals in both Northern California where I live

and in Sacramento where I have been traveling to for the last year.

I live in a small country town where cows just might

outnumber people, and where it's usually rainy,

except for this year, where we had an unusually mild winter and long summer.

We bought our house about three years ago,

and have been doing A LOT of work on it to make it a home.

But we do enjoy the views.

And the dogs, Dixie (red) and Dillon (blue) do enjoy

having many acres to run around on

and a river and beach close by to run on as well.

Plus they have their own blog which you can read here:

Livin' La Vida Dog

Some of my friends say they travel more than anyone they know...

cause they do...

cause we do...

Like our 3,000 mile National Park tour

from this summer...

Work hard, and play hard...

and, although I might sometimes be a little 

irreverent, you have to remember

that

I see a lot of people on the worst day of their life

and try my hardest to not let it be the last day of their life.

I hope you'll enjoy this month-long journey...

and, I'll try to keep the stories interesting...

Thank you and cheers...!!

Doctors Can Be Action Heroes Too

I do a lot of reading, and I do a lot of writing so from time to time I get asked to review a new book.

I did review an audiobook a while back, which was an enjoyable way to pass the time as I commuted from NorCal to SacTo and back.  And, what's funny, is I can still remember some of the scenes from the book as I pass various landmarks on the road.  Weird, but they were the most tension-full ones which I guess subconsciously made me focus more on my driving so I wouldn't get too lost on the story and subsequently drive off the road.

But I digress.  I was recently asked to review a new medical thriller by Allen Wyler called "Dead Wrong."

Now, as a medical professional, it's sometimes hard for me to suspend disbelief when reading about a fictional medical process or watching a TV show (don't even get me started on all the problems with "Grey's Anatomy");  however, this book, while starting off with what I consider a far-out medical premise, becomes more of an action/adventure thriller as the story goes along, so the medicine actually ends up taking a back seat.

The main character is neurosurgeon Tom McCarthy who teams up with psychiatry resident Sarah Hamilton in a life and death game of hide and seek after they unknowingly stumble onto a secret government-funded research project where pieces of brain are taken from one person and placed into another giving them "false memories."  The memories actually happened to the donor party, but the receiving party has no idea why they now have the memories and they're literally driving them crazy;  which is where Sarah and Tom come in.

The story moves along at a fast pace.  There's the requisite evil doctor, the government conspiracy, the muscle.  There's the cat and mouse chase throughout the hospital and the city of Seattle, with many suspenseful moments as the doctors try to outwit the bad guys.  There's a few humorous moments thrown in, but all in all it's a quick, easy read, and I was ok with with ending.  My only complaint is the love story which was a little predictable (doey-eyed resident falls in love with superstar neurosurgeon) and one of the early action scenes which reminded me for some reason of "Die Hard."

Summer may be over, but this would make a great weekend evening read in front of the fireplace on a chilly night.  The author, Wyler, has several other titles on Amazon... might just be worth the read.  Let me know what you think!

The link above on the title connects to Amazon.  Here are two other links:

·         B&N:  http://bit.ly/1ju4NH8

·         Astor+Blue: http://bit.ly/1mO057p

And, the author has a new book...

not about a doctor, but sure to

be just as suspenseful....!

·         Amazon: http://amzn.to/1xh54PS

·         B&N: http://bit.ly/1sZrIy1

·         Astor+Blue: http://bit.ly/1uspcim

*just to note,

I received no monetary compensation

for this review, just a preview copy

of the book

Breadbasket of America

I've been doing a lot of driving in the last couple of months.

We had the long summer road trip which I wrote about,

and then it was back to Sacramento to work.

After that, I drove the 300 miles south to pick up my

mom and bring her back to NorCal to spend about 

three weeks.

Interstate 5 in California is my main thoroughfare,

and I am enjoying seeing the seasons change through

the various activities going on in the Central Valley

which has often been called the "Breadbasket of America.

It's watered by the California Aqueduct which you can

see snaking its way alongside the highway.

There are acres upon acres of fields growing both livestock

and produce:

Also lots of orchards growing everything from

almonds to oranges and other citrus

It's tomato harvest season, and we've been joking that

it's "salsa season" because we see not only

tomato trucks on the road...

but also onion and garlic trucks as well,

all seemingly headed in the same direction...

Of course, evidence of the severe drought we've been experiencing

can be seen along the highway as well, 

but what really depresses me are the orchards

that are left to die...

I have a stupid sentimentality about trees

and their being living things since I read the 

"Chronicles of Narnia" which talked about the 

dryads who were attached to their trees and

died whenever their tree was cut down.

I see these fields and think of all the

fallen dryads...

Yeah, a lot of crazy things pass through

your mind when you're traveling along the highway.