Birthday Month Shuffle - 7th Edition Day 4

"I just wanna see you be brave..."

I have this on my cycling mix, and even though I

haven't cycled as much as I would like,

I still think of those challenging hills,

or final miles of a long ride

whenever this song comes on.

Happy 4th of July!!

Thank you to all those that were

BRAVE!

in defending our country...

Original posting 2016

Birthday Month Shuffle - 7th Edition Day 3

In Spanish, "Duerme" is "you sleep" or "go to sleep."  Most Mexican kids know "go meemees" which is equivalent to "go sleepies" or whatever you tell your kids when it's time for bed.  My friends all know what "go meemees" means" as do, surprisingly, my dogs.  It's one of the first things you remember growing up... it's time to "go meemees..."  Well, that and "chonies."

This song is a kind of lullaby.  The singer is telling the young child that their mother has gone off to work and when she comes back she's going to bring candies and gifts and food.  So sleep now, and she'll be home soon.

About the time I entered my teens, my mother started traveling for work.  Although she was away from home during the week, she'd come home late on Friday nights and spend the weekend up until Sunday afternoons when she'd return to work in Calexico, CA.  I know she did it to earn the extra money she was paid so that I could go to private school and then to a private all-girls high school.

And, sometimes she would bring little gifts and treats that she would pick up.  Just a little something to let me know she was thinking of me during her trip.  I still remember a small purse that was like a mini Mexican mercado "shopping" bag.  It was perfect for me because I really didn't like (and still don't) purses.  Maybe that's why I now have a fascination with totes.  Hey, we were into being environmentalists before it became fashionable... and this little tote was just that...

Is it weird I haven't started going through my mom's things yet?  I was emptying out the bag I took to the funeral, and I found several things I had brought back from her house in SoCal... small things that I had brought for her during my trips... just to let her know I had been thinking about her... full circle.

Birthday Month Shuffle - 7th Edition Day 2

I don't know what it is about this song.  It's so depressing.  Sure, I knew I was no Homecoming Queen, but I don't think I ever felt as bad as the subject in this song.  But, something about its haunting lyrics has always reminded me of those pangs of growing up outside of the "in crowd."

I first heard it in my Mom's 1980's Oldsmobile Toronado; in the 8 Track(!) player it had.  She had a bunch she carried in a small suitcase, and I would get to pick which one we'd play next on our many road trips in that car.  This song was a mixed tape of "Easy Listening" favorites.

Man, that car... It was part car, part tuna boat.  And, I learned how to drive in that car with power everything.  So when I got my first car, what?!? I had to roll down my own windows?  And my rack in pinion steering was like trying to weight lift a keg when you'd gotten used to picking up light cans.  Don't know why I put in a beer analogy, but maybe because that big Toronado was just at the end of my high school life and leading into my college life.  

At seventeen, I snuck out of the house one time to go to a party which my mother didn't allow me to go to.  We had a single car garage, and my small car was in the garage and her hunking Oldsmobuick (10 pts if you get the reference) was parked in the driveway.  Climbing out the window was no problem.  We had an incline to our driveway so I just let the Toronado roll back and started it in the middle of the street then went off to the party.

No problem.  But, like most things done like that, I couldn't have a good time at the party because I was afraid that something would happen to her car: someone would run into it, I would have an accident, I'd get stopped by police, something (insert Ferris Bueller Cameron riff here.)  So I didn't stay long at the party, and when I got close to our house I sped up just a little and turned the car off just as I was rolling up the driveway.  I hadn't adjusted the seats, so all I had to do was quietly close the door so the dog wouldn't bark.  And, then I climbed back in the window.

I'm not sure if Momma ever knew I had done that.  Even as an adult, I was afraid to ask.  Even now I wonder...  

Anyway, about a year or so after I left for college, Momma sold that Toronado for a fun Dodge Ram jeep-like SUV.  We traveled a lot in that, but that's a story for another time...

Birthday Month Shuffle - 7th Edition Day 1

When I look back at my posts, I am amazed I haven't done this since 2016...!  OMG!  This was such an annual tradition.  Of course, life got kinda busy, and July especially so with Momma in the house, then DH's grand daughter coming to stay for the summer the last 2 years.  I never had time to write.  Now I do, so now I am...

For those of you that are new readers, traditionally I start off with a song of my choosing then spin the iPod shuffle and see what's in my music mix.  Given that this is the YOFWM, I will pick a song in her honor to start the shuffle off... and, who knows, I may just continue picking songs from my music list that remind me of her to continue... so let's begin:

I don't know why this song always reminded me of my mom, but it's a song about support and love and lifting someone up when they are feeling so down.  So many times in my life, my mother did this for me.  Through the struggles of getting into medical school, going through medical school, internship, residency, my many moves and trials; she was always there, supportive.

I can't remember a time when she would say, "Well, maybe you can't do this and should think about doing something else."  It was always, "You can do this.  Pray to God for support.  I'll pray for you, and you will get through this."  And, I did.  I achieved all the goals I set out for myself because I knew, no matter what, that she was there.  The song is "You Needed Me," but in reality, I needed her moreso than I ever could have imagined.  And, I still do.

Here's my original post from 2014... and the sentiments are still the same.  Hug your mom today.  Or send a prayer for our Mommas in Heaven.

TYOFWM - Notifications

How many more people are there to tell..?

It’s been almost three months, and I was stopped by some co-workers the other day asking how my mom was doing.  I thought I would be able to say, “Oh, sorry you didn’t hear, but she died in April” and then just go on with my day, but then the inevitable questions come:  “What happened?  She looked so good...!  We thought she was getting better...”

So I politely stop to explain; yes, it was sudden.  Yes, she was getting better, then she wasn’t.  Yes, thank you for your condolences.  And suddenly all the pain and grief and doubt and anger and self-questioning come back.  Then come the tears, and I have to find a place to quietly get myself back together before trying to get back to work.  

But, my focus is gone for the moment.  In a job where lives matter on you being able to think clearly and rationally, you can’t be thinking about your dead mother and reliving the moment of her death.  You can’t be trying to rationalize your decisions during that last week over and over when there’s a full department and ambulances coming in.  You can’t stop to contemplate for the 100th time what might have been, what could have been, what should have been if you could have kept her from falling back in December.

But, you’re human, and it takes a few moments to get your emotions under control so that you can work.  There’ll be plenty of time for those thoughts that come out of nowhere and suddenly make the tears start to fall.  There’ll be lots of nights thinking about the what if’s...  There’ll be the rest of my life to grieve the sudden loss of someone who’d always been there my whole life.... and, right now, that seems like a very long time...

TYOFWM - Road Trip

Momma loved to travel.  She enjoyed road trips; new things to see.  New places to explore.  We’re on our first road trip without her, and I’m having so many memories.

Like bathroom stops. She needed them more as she got older and her medications made it so that she “had” to stop.  Driving the first part of our journey yesterday, I was mentally ticking off the distances to the next bathroom along the way... because I learned to know them all.  Once I was past the familiar part of our trip, I found myself mentally noting where stops would be for the way back.  Habits.

I got misty at breakfast, a usual stop along this route, thinking of how she always ordered the same thing: a pancake sandwich - essentially pancakes with eggs and a meat - over easy with bacon.  At the lunch stop, she’d somehow manage to find the best thing on the menu.  She’d surprise us with her choices sometimes, but she’d enjoy her meal, maybe trying something new.

So many memories, so many road trips, so many adventures on the road.  And, now we’re going someplace she’d never been, but I’m sure she’s along for the ride because she’s never far from my thoughts.  She would have loved it.

TYOFWM - Two Monthaversary

Well, at least I am no longer suicidal....

But I still cry occasionally for no apparent reason.

And, I am often overcome by waves of melancholy...

How can she be gone...?

The world is so different.

And, I have changed too...

DH says it's like I suddenly don't know what to do with myself...

I've had the last two weeks off work.

I initially spent a lot of this off time on the internet...

and, I found this image:

I don't know why I've always equated hummingbirds with my Mom.

I can't say it's her favorite bird.

I don't even know if she had a favorite bird.

But, if I bought her jewelry, or a shirt, it would have a 

hummingbird on it.

As part of my self-imposed grief therapy during this time off,

 I made myself start

sketching and drawing again...

One day, I found myself sketching that second bird in the series...

then, I added a pretty basic background of just 

shapes.

Next thing I knew, I was filling in an ocean and fields

and hills and clouds in the sky...

And this happened:

I stopped for a moment and 

looked in shock at my sketch and realized I had drawn a hummingbird

flying over the area where I live.

And, I realized it felt like my mother's soul as it left this earth;

flying high about everything, free from confines,

light as a bird...

And, it brought me some measure of peace.

So much so, that in the last week, I've been spending

less time on the internet and more time doing creative things:

like painting again...

I took some art work from a painting class in acrylics

and re-painted over them in oils...

This is one of my favorites:

 I first painted it in 2014, and I loved the fall feel it had...

Here it is in oils:

I feel like I brightened it up and gave it some more depth...

It's been a good week.

And, I've even started a new larger painting.

But, we'll keep that one under wraps for a bit...

Right now, I'm just glad to have found a little bit of joy

in the dark and gloomy new world

I've suddenly found myself in...