What I wanted to talk about was the flood of memories I was having all weekend. Driving to the airport, I started thinking about my mother and how much she would have enjoyed traveling then *BAM* I'm back in the room with her on the day she died, and I'm watching her take her last breath. I manage to hold it together and continue some banter with my husband as we're going down the road.
I'm better once we get to the airport and onto the plane. We land in Los Angeles and get to our next gate. Soon we're on the plane now headed east when once again, out of nowhere *BAM* the memory of holding my mother's hand as I told her how much I loved her and how I was going to do all the trips and travels we planned to do before she fell. And, again, there she was taking her last breath. And, the tears started all over.
This happened to me at least three more times during the weekend. Once, even, if you can believe it while sitting at the race track waiting for the race to start. I mean, seriously, what was wrong with me? One second I'm sitting there listening to the pre-race announcements, and the next I'm thinking about what a beautiful day it was, which lead to wondering how Momma would have liked living in Florida, and there was that memory again. Luckily, sunglasses and a quick swipe at my eyes helped mask the tears that had started to fall.
I know in part it's probably because of the thought of moving and leaving California. She's on my mind as I start to pack up her room and make decisions about what's staying in her home in SoCal and what's going across the country for me to keep in her memory. Like this bunny... I bought it for her around the 1st of April not knowing that a week later she would be dead. I liked that it had a purple bow, because she liked purple. And, she always enjoyed fun things like this to decorate her room for the season.
I guess I'm just really missing talking to my mom about decisions I have to make. About seeking her counsel on choices I am making about the house. About not having her here by my side traveling and seeing all these new places. About her death anniversary. About how I am still not sure how I am supposed to do things without her in my life. About how I don't feel her around me, and I'm not sure if there really is a Heaven despite her faith and my religion.
And, I think that's the worse part...
1 comment:
((((Veronica)))) Wish I could give you a hug in person. I really have no answers about grief and then of course everyone grieves differently and in their own timing. Your new job sounds very exciting but at the same time you are closing a chapter of your life in California which included good memories of times spent with your mom as well as the sadness associated with her passing. I think it is "normal" to have the reactions you are having and the tears and the grief. Plus you are trying to figure out what to keep, etc., which is playing onto your emotions.
I never felt my mom around me after she passed. People say they do with their loved ones and I respect them saying that they do. I never felt that I could talk to her and she would hear me. I did ask God the first year she died at Mother's Day to tell her Happy Mother's Day for me and that I thought she was the best mom ever (aren't most moms the best moms ever?)
If you believe the Bible is the word of God then you will believe there is a heaven. I truly believe you will see your mom again and will spend eternity with her. Don't let the enemy (Satan/devil) take away your joy of what lies ahead for all of us who have lost loved ones who have a faith in Jesus.
I will pray for you for comfort and peace during this time.
betty
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