And just like that, it's a new year
and the ninth month without my mother.
The pain has decreased somewhat,
but I find when the memories hit
they hit hard.
I'll go for days doing ok,
but then a memory will strike...
a scene will be replayed...
and, suddenly I am back to the moment that she died...
or back to the morning before she died...
or back to the week before she died...
and, I start to question myself over and over,
and the tears come
and the pain starts up again,
and I find myself wondering for the 100th time
if there was anything else I could have, should have, would have done...
A year ago she was leaving the hospital and starting rehab...
and I go back and replay the day she fell...
what could I have done differently...?
How should we have handled her rehab differently..?
What else...?
Always, what else...?
or... what if...?
Yeah, let's go down that rabbit hole one more time...
No matter the pathway, I end up back here,
trying to reassure myself I did everything I could,
I fulfilled all her wishes,
I made her last moments peaceful,
at least I pray I did...
because that causes the most doubt of all,
that I didn't do something right at the end...
when it really mattered...
btw, the little foot is an etching I noted where the new concrete was poured
in the back yard of my mother's home...
just her name and the date,
I don't know the significance of the foot...
I wish I did...
2 comments:
I too wonder about the significance of the foot. Maybe your mom's wanderlust desire to travel? As hard as it might be, you need to stop second guessing yourself if you should have done something different or not. All of our dashes (days of our lives) are ordained by God even I think before the beginning of time. As sad as it is, that was the time ordained by God for your mom's passing. There is a lady whose blog I follow here in the Phoenix area. Her son was a police officer and got killed on the job (domestic violence call that went bad). She second guessed so much for awhile with what would have happened if he hadn't gone in to work that day, etc., etc., etc., but she came to the conclusion that day was the day he was called from one life to another and even if he hadn't gone to work that day, if that was the day God wanted him home, he would have passed some other way. So look at it as God's timing and start forgiving yourself; knowing you did everything you could with what you had to work with.
betty
Please don't beat yourself up over what-ifs. I'd probably be doing the same thing, but I bet your mom would lovingly tell you to try to keep your mind from going there. However, having said that, I think it is a perfectly normal thing to do. And when it pops into your mind, maybe just going ahead and processing it, then moving on is what you'll have to do for a while. I am glad that it is getting a bit easier.
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