I made it through Christmas. I made it...
There was a moment there I thought I was going to lose it. I thought about Momma and just a year ago sitting at home, opening gifts... an earring and necklace set from her favorite store which she never got to wear, which I now wear... some sugar free chocolates from our local candy shop which she didn’t really get to eat and which my husband ended up eating... sitting around, laughing, looking forward to the cruise in a few weeks which she never got to go on... and, me, sitting at a restaurant on board another cruise ship, drinking a glass of wine while looking at the sunset, remembering... tears just beginning to well and that weird lump in your throat that you get... and trying to hold it together.
December 25, 2018... Christmas... She fell just 5 days later, and that was the beginning of the end... just five more days of normalcy. Five more days of having her completely in my life. Five more days at home until she returned four months later to die... this is one anniversary I am not looking forward to.
But, for now, I will savor in the fact that I made it through Christmas without having a total melt down. Taking this trip was a blessing in a lot of ways. No sitting around the house thinking of her... seeing her everywhere yet feeling her absence... I made it through...
Now the rest of the Year of Firsts Without Momma will begin... all the way through to the anniversary of her death, and what would have been her 82nd birthday... both of which I will be celebrating at sea... on the Pacific... which supposedly has no memory... but I’ll be bringing plenty of mine to share...
2 comments:
I think it was brilliant planning on your part not to be home for Christmas this year. It is really hard as you know to go through these years of firsts. I couldn't put up a Christmas tree the year my mom died in 2006 but a year later son and his best friend at the time (and still best friend) came and helped put the tree up in 2007. While I still struggle with decorating (most years not) I'm glad that year they helped me through it. I would like to say it gets easier and in some things it does, but other things it doesn't. I think one figures out what they want to do (or not) and then tries to do that the best they can. We spent a quiet Christmas together, just hubby and me. My choice for a lot of reasons. But I looked around where we were at (movies, Starbucks, fast food, etc.) and there were others alone. I read an article that said if you were spending the holidays alone to plan for the day. We weren't technically alone as we had each other, but alone from family. We made it work and did enjoy the day :)
You too will enjoy days.......it will take that while to get there.....
May the new year be a kind one for you and yours!
betty
I'm glad you got through it fairly well, but I know it had to have been very, very hard.
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