They're still sitting there: a rose from my mother's burial wreath and her handkerchief that I had in my purse on the day of her funeral. The funeral planner made boutonnieres for the pall bearers from the white roses in her burial wreath. This is the rose my husband wore. After the funeral, as we were driving back to the house, we took the flower off and for a while it sat with the handkerchief in my center console. Then I moved them to the door where they still sit.
Four months.... can it really have been four months? Some days it's fresh in my mind, like it just happened yesterday. Other days I don't think about her at all as my mind is filled with the events of the day, but then something triggers a thought and it all comes rushing back to me.
There's mornings where I wake up earlier than my alarm and my thoughts are filled with her, with the choices I made, with her final moments. And, I find I can't go back to sleep. There are nights when I am saying my prayers which always include a special prayer that Momma is in Heaven and that God continues to watch over her. Then I can't sleep thinking about that last week, that last day, that last hour, that final moment when she breathed her last.
How can she be gone...? And why do I feel like she's really gone, like there is no after life, like she just blinked out of existence... When my uncle died I could feel him around me... the same with my grandmother as if she was just out of sight watching over me... but now, I don't feel like I feel or sense her at all. Is it because I can't visit her grave easily? Is it because I don't have a sense of her presence?
There's a part of me that wishes she had been cremated then at least I'd have something physical and tangible; something to carry around and talk to. Maybe that's why that rose and handkerchief are still sitting in the door of my car.... in a way it's a part of her that's still around...
As for her room and clothes and things... that will still have to wait a while longer too... her smell is still there, at least I have that as well...
2 comments:
After my mom died, in May 2008, I held on to various small things. I gathered up photographs of her, I wanted to hold on to items of clothing. As if to tell myself that she wasn't really gone. You're in my thoughts.
Its "only" been 4 months. Its still "raw" with you all the things that happened before her passing, her actual passing, and then the days afterward. I think you'll find a balance of things later when more time has passed. One day you'll be ready to "conquer" her room and deal with her possessions. Just take it one day at a time. Like I said before, that first year is a hard one.
betty
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