Funny how you can blink
and soon it's been five months since your mother died...
Five months since you last got to talk to her...
Five months since she responded to your voice...
Five months since she last held your hand and
asked you not to leave her side while she slept
so that when she woke up she would see you
and be reassured.
Five months without her...
Five months of slowly getting rid of her possessions
and feeling guilty every time you do
because you wonder if she would agree with what you decide
to do with her clothes...
her shoes...
her purses...
her this or that or the other...
Five months still valuing her opinion
on everything from the bank account
to renting her home
to where we should take our next trip
and where should we think about moving
if we move
when we move
dare we move?
Five months of not hearing if she likes
my new writing
my new outfit
my new painting
I went to her for just about everything
and now it's been five months of trying to figure it out
for myself...
wondering...
will Momma approve...?
is Momma proud...?
what else does Momma expect of me...?
Five months...
she missed this year's County Fair
and getting her traditional corn
and watching the horse races
and seeing all the farm animals
and stopping for an ice cream
before heading home...
It wasn't the same without her,
and I thought about her the whole time
and how I wish she were there with me
and how unfair it all seemed...
and how unfair it still is...
Five months later
2 comments:
I think she would be (and always was) proud of you. I think she would sit back and pat herself on the back and think "I raised a great independent daughter who despite it all is still carrying on when a piece of her is missing." I think she would have approved of what you are doing with going through her things and deciding what to do with them. I'm thinking she knows she doesn't need them any more where she is at and being practical like I think you expressed her to be, she'd be glad someone else had the opportunity to be able to use them and bring perhaps joy to others.
betty
Just found your blog and wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing. I just had my mom stay with me for a week, and we had such a wonderful time. I don't know if this will happen again, since she is frail, so I try to focus on enjoying the moments we are able to share and be together (we live in different provinces).
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