TYOFWM - Notifications

How many more people are there to tell..?

It’s been almost three months, and I was stopped by some co-workers the other day asking how my mom was doing.  I thought I would be able to say, “Oh, sorry you didn’t hear, but she died in April” and then just go on with my day, but then the inevitable questions come:  “What happened?  She looked so good...!  We thought she was getting better...”

So I politely stop to explain; yes, it was sudden.  Yes, she was getting better, then she wasn’t.  Yes, thank you for your condolences.  And suddenly all the pain and grief and doubt and anger and self-questioning come back.  Then come the tears, and I have to find a place to quietly get myself back together before trying to get back to work.  

But, my focus is gone for the moment.  In a job where lives matter on you being able to think clearly and rationally, you can’t be thinking about your dead mother and reliving the moment of her death.  You can’t be trying to rationalize your decisions during that last week over and over when there’s a full department and ambulances coming in.  You can’t stop to contemplate for the 100th time what might have been, what could have been, what should have been if you could have kept her from falling back in December.

But, you’re human, and it takes a few moments to get your emotions under control so that you can work.  There’ll be plenty of time for those thoughts that come out of nowhere and suddenly make the tears start to fall.  There’ll be lots of nights thinking about the what if’s...  There’ll be the rest of my life to grieve the sudden loss of someone who’d always been there my whole life.... and, right now, that seems like a very long time...

TYOFWM - Road Trip

Momma loved to travel.  She enjoyed road trips; new things to see.  New places to explore.  We’re on our first road trip without her, and I’m having so many memories.

Like bathroom stops. She needed them more as she got older and her medications made it so that she “had” to stop.  Driving the first part of our journey yesterday, I was mentally ticking off the distances to the next bathroom along the way... because I learned to know them all.  Once I was past the familiar part of our trip, I found myself mentally noting where stops would be for the way back.  Habits.

I got misty at breakfast, a usual stop along this route, thinking of how she always ordered the same thing: a pancake sandwich - essentially pancakes with eggs and a meat - over easy with bacon.  At the lunch stop, she’d somehow manage to find the best thing on the menu.  She’d surprise us with her choices sometimes, but she’d enjoy her meal, maybe trying something new.

So many memories, so many road trips, so many adventures on the road.  And, now we’re going someplace she’d never been, but I’m sure she’s along for the ride because she’s never far from my thoughts.  She would have loved it.

TYOFWM - Two Monthaversary

Well, at least I am no longer suicidal....

But I still cry occasionally for no apparent reason.

And, I am often overcome by waves of melancholy...

How can she be gone...?

The world is so different.

And, I have changed too...

DH says it's like I suddenly don't know what to do with myself...

I've had the last two weeks off work.

I initially spent a lot of this off time on the internet...

and, I found this image:

I don't know why I've always equated hummingbirds with my Mom.

I can't say it's her favorite bird.

I don't even know if she had a favorite bird.

But, if I bought her jewelry, or a shirt, it would have a 

hummingbird on it.

As part of my self-imposed grief therapy during this time off,

 I made myself start

sketching and drawing again...

One day, I found myself sketching that second bird in the series...

then, I added a pretty basic background of just 

shapes.

Next thing I knew, I was filling in an ocean and fields

and hills and clouds in the sky...

And this happened:

I stopped for a moment and 

looked in shock at my sketch and realized I had drawn a hummingbird

flying over the area where I live.

And, I realized it felt like my mother's soul as it left this earth;

flying high about everything, free from confines,

light as a bird...

And, it brought me some measure of peace.

So much so, that in the last week, I've been spending

less time on the internet and more time doing creative things:

like painting again...

I took some art work from a painting class in acrylics

and re-painted over them in oils...

This is one of my favorites:

 I first painted it in 2014, and I loved the fall feel it had...

Here it is in oils:

I feel like I brightened it up and gave it some more depth...

It's been a good week.

And, I've even started a new larger painting.

But, we'll keep that one under wraps for a bit...

Right now, I'm just glad to have found a little bit of joy

in the dark and gloomy new world

I've suddenly found myself in...